


I’m lost in my past. Will I find myself in my future?

by Whambamthanksbatfam



Series: Lost in the Past, Found in the Future? [10]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Choices, Crying, Damian Wayne Feels, Damian Wayne-centric, Extended Metaphors, Flashbacks, Future Fic, Gen, Heavy Angst, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Introspection, Panic Attack, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 22:45:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14482842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whambamthanksbatfam/pseuds/Whambamthanksbatfam
Summary: Here he was. Damian sat on the mountain contemplating what he was to do. His mother ordered him to come take his place as Ra’s. His father demanded that he come back to Gotham or have no place in the family. What was he going to do?





	I’m lost in my past. Will I find myself in my future?

Here he was. Damian sat on the mountain contemplating what he was to do. His mother ordered him to come take his place as Ra’s. His father demanded that he come back to Gotham or have no place in the family. What was he going to do?

 

He knew this day would come. The day where he was forced to choose. He’d known it since he was a little kid. That he couldn’t be an assassin and a hero. He wondered why, but he never could find an answer.

 

Being Ra’s, Damian would have power and resources. He could do whatever he wishes and make the world a better place. He could fix problems like global warming and world hunger. He could be great and respected.

 

Being a vigilante wouldn’t be bad for Damian either. His public identity was set to inherit all of the Wayne fortune, no small sum, and he was skilled enough to make a difference as a hero. He wouldn’t be viewed as an enemy of his father’s side, but that would make him an enemy of his mother’s.

 

Damian had come to love and cherish both sides of his family. He wouldn’t feel complete without them both. He had to choose, though. They wouldn’t let him be a part of both any longer. 

 

It hurt, honestly. It hurt to know that neither parts of his family would accept him unconditionally. That neither wanted to accept the other half of him. It really meant that they didn’t love him fully. All of him was not loved by them. 

 

Why wasn’t he good enough? He was one of the most skilled fighters in the world. Had a sharper mind the world’s greatest detective. He found a way to mesh the two worlds from which he came.

 

Why couldn’t Damian had been normal? Normal teenagers didn’t have to choose between the ideology of their parents to this level. Normal kids got to worry about little nuances like their makeup or beating a level of a video game. Damian wanted to be normal so badly right now. He always secretly had, for he knew this day was coming.

 

Maybe, Damian could forge his own path. Not become a hero or Ra’s. He could just be himself. What was Damian thinking? That wasn’t a choice for him. Maybe he’d choose death. It would be better than a life of hatred. No matter where he went, they would find him, and make him choose. There was not one person who would let him stay neutral, not anymore.  

 

Damian missed Charlie. He missed her smile and the way she giggled at everything. The way she could make him smile so easily. Charlie helped him and he helped her. They kept each other company when the other got lonely. They grew up together, until she was gone. Damian could feel a lump at the back of his throat. She said he’d never be lonely. That neither of them would have to be for the rest of their lives.  _ I’m still here _ , he thought. He can’t help, but think she’d lied. He missed her so much it hurt, but he couldn’t meditate on that. He couldn't cry for her. People of his heritage can’t cry. 

_ “You can’t leave me.” He cradled her in his hands. _

_ “Damian, you know it’s too late.” _

_ “You promised.” _

_ “I’m sorry. You’ll be okay.” _

_ “I’ll never be okay without you. I need you.” _

_ “It’ll be okay.” _

_ “Charlie, please… Don’t leave me. You said you’d never leave.” _

_ “I know, and I’m sorry, but It’s okay. You’re okay… “ Damian shook his head. _

_ “No, no, no, no, no, no, no… Ch-Charlie.” She died in his arms. “You said you’d never leave me,” he whispered. He held her close to him. _

He missed his brothers too. 

 

He lost Dick to the Court. They came back for him and Damian failed. He failed Dick. there was no punishment painful enough for that. He should’ve save him, but he didn’t. He should have been faster, more vigilant, something. Something that would bring his brother back.

_ “Dick, please come back.” _

_ “We have our new Gray Son and we like him very much.” _

_ “No...” _

_ “He is the Gray Son of Gotham. He is in his rightful place.” _

_ “He belongs with me,” Damian spat. _

_ “No. he never did.” _

_ “Grayson,” Damian whispered. He met the now golden orbs of his brother. The talon walked away. _

 

Jason was killed the same way as the last, by the Joker. It wasn’t the same Joker, though. It was a new one. A Joker with an IQ of 142 and, like his predecessor, had one bad day. A Joker that used to say “There’s always a way out,” but couldn’t find his.

_ “Do you ever get tired? Do you ever wonder if what you do makes a difference?” The new Joker giggled. It was even more sadistic than the old one’s. _

_ “It does,” Damian said defensively. _

_ “So, my tender little morselette... How are things?” _

_ “You don’t have to do this,” Damian said. Jason lain on the ground, bloodied and unconscious. His big brother. Nearly dead. _

_ “This is a violation of my civil rights! A man should be able to slaughter in peace!” Damian scoffed. “What’s wrong? Am I boring? Let's try some new material.” He lunges for him, but it’s too late. He can tell by the hole in Jason’s head. Damian fell to his knees. _

_ “How could you?” _

_ “Because once I didn't care about the rules anymore, I had all the power. We all have it inside of us. We just gotta let it out. And I can show you how…” _

 

Even Mara was gone. Killed at the hands of Slade. His only cousin was dead. They were close in their own way. They planned to lead the League and Leviathan as one. When they were younger, they decided that they were going to rule the world. They could’ve.

 

Nothing was left but war. It was all gone. All he had left were his parents, and neither of them would love him if he chose the other. The war was at a deadlock, and he was supposed to break it. Why couldn’t Damian be the union of two great powers? Why does he have to keep them separate?

_ “Damian,” Bruce said. “You have to choose.” _

_ “Ibn, come,” his mother commanded. “You are-- and will always be-- an assassin at heart, my lovely boy. Your mother's child.” _

_ “If I'm going to be honest with you, Damian, I'll need to be honest with myself. It's not just the upbringing that your mother forced on you that made you who you are... I'm also to blame, but, if you stay with me, you can be a hero. You can be good. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?” _

_ “Why must I choose?” _

_ “It’s impossible to be both, Damian,” Bruce said. _

_ “In this case, your father is correct, Ibn.” _

_ “I don’t want to be anyone’s enemy.” Bruce and Talia stared expectantly at the boy. _

Damian’s parents’ end were each other. They destroyed each other. Their love and hate were equally matched. They loved each other too much and felt too much passion towards their causes to ever have been able to live peacefully. Damian always knew it was mutually assured destruction with them. He just never knew when it would happen.

 

All Damian wanted was a home. A home with at least one person loved him unconditionally. He needed his friend. He needed his brothers. He needed someone. Someone to save him. This war was drowning him. Pulling him down much lower into the water than he had ever gone before. He couldn’t breathe.

 

Damian chose neither. There was nothing for him on either side. All he had now was pain. He sat on the mountain top. Trying to be as strong as he could. Trying to stick to the morals he was taught. Trying to be what he couldn’t be, everything. 

 

Finally, after years of keeping strong, obedience, and training. Damian cried. He realized then, that he didn’t even know how to cry. He’d never done it since he was a baby. How does one cry? It came out as choked breaths and a few small, salty tears. Then, it became a deluge of them. He cried for Charlie, he cried for Dick and Jason, he cried for Tim, he cried for Mara. he cried for them all. Because they left him to be torn apart by the legacies he was born to fill. They left him to be burned alive by expectations and tests. They left him to be eaten by the wolves that were his parents. Damian fell over and laid in the snow. 

 

_ Why’d they leave me?  _

 

_ Why’d I fail?  _

 

_ I did my best and it wasn’t enough.  _

 

_ I’ll never be enough. _

 

_ Why couldn’t I ever be enough? _

 

Damian couldn’t get out of his past, but he hoped he could find himself a future. 

 

 

 

 

 

He couldn’t.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The *choked sob* end.


End file.
